smallhobbit | Never the Right Man

Angelica's thoughts through the years. Spoilers for the whole of The Devil's Whore.

My thanks to

phyllisdobbs01 for the idea and

jinxed100 for betaing again.

Why must Sexby look at me like that? I chose to marry Harry Fanshawe – we were destined to be together: childhood friends, a natural progression. I know Harry doesn’t approve of my interest in the Lillburnes. If he knew where I’d been he’d be so angry and yet Sexby has no problems with it. It’s almost as if our thoughts are similar – but that’s all wrong; I can never have anything in common with such a man. Harry feels so threatened, still thought of as a boy by some. Does Sexby think of him as a boy? In terms of experience of course he is, but he wants to do what he believes to be right. Yet his view of the world is so narrow. I must be subservient; when we make love I must be quiet or I am a whore. I hope one day Harry will come to see me again as more of his equal, as we were when we were playmates. But for now, I will prove my worth and my love for him. I will not desert him, but will stay by his side and fight in defence of my home, our home.

000---000

Why must Sexby look at me like that? I love Thomas Rainsborough as I have never loved before. He has such high ideals; he sees so clearly what needs to be done. He can look at Oliver and disagree with him. He is Colonel Rainsborough and his men love him and would follow him anywhere. I have told him I killed a man and he accepts that and says it is all in the past. It is for him, but I cannot forget what happened so easily. I had no choice but to act as I did, Sexby understands, but does Thomas truly understand? What would he make of me if he knew all that I had done? His life is open for all to see, some of mine has of necessity been hidden. But I will look forward - I am carrying his child. There is a future for us and where ever Oliver asks Thomas to go he will always come back to me.

000---000

Why must Sexby look at me like that? I have made it clear to him I can never love him. Christian has told me how much he loves me and I know that with him I can be free. He is devoted to me and offers me everything I have ever wanted – love, equality and purpose. I have found my destiny. Sexby tells me I am mistaken, but he is the one who is wrong. He is bitter. Oh, I cannot completely blame him, for he lost an arm in Ireland and it seems to me that he has brought back other sorrows too. He does not believe that a small group of people can make a difference, that by offering universal love we can all be saved. To him, fighting is the only way and he is not prepared to accept any alternative. He cannot see that I have found a better way and that those I am with are the future. Christian has promised to take care of me and I trust him with all my heart.

000---000

Why does Sexby still look at me? After all that I have done to him, he is still here. I have been a fool and yet he still loves me. He has loved me from the day he first saw me. He has saved my life over and over and I have treated him like dirt. And now, whilst I am still weak from being poisoned, he tells me to rest whilst he watches over me. He is so gentle, this man who has fought so much. He smiles at me and bids me sleep to regain my strength. I do not know what the future will hold - there are accounts that must be settled - but I do know that just as he has carried my garter since the day I married Harry and will not part with it now, neither will I part with him.