The Sweet Shop at the End of the Universe

[smallhobbit]

Title: The Sweet Shop at the End of the Universe
Fandom: Doctor Who/Life on Mars/The Devil's Whore
Rating: PG - 12
Word count: 800
Notes: With thanks to my friends jinxed100 and phyllisdobbs01  who is at least in part responsible for this fic
Apologies to Douglas Adams for using his title, and the original creators of the characters who would have never anticipated this.
Summary: Pure crack and self indulgent.  Although as you will see, I wasn't the only one to indulge.

 

The Master had asked if he could have some friends on the next trip and since he had asked so prettily, and since he hadn’t upset the TARDIS for the last few days, the Doctor had agreed. 

Which is why, sitting in the TARDIS, apart from the usual two occupants, was an overweight, out of condition DCI, his DI, who was holding his head and saying something along the lines of “I’m not supposed to be here” and an armed man with long hair and a scar across one eye.  There was also a woman who appeared to be a desk sergeant.  She didn’t look like one of the Master’s friends, so the Doctor assumed the TARDIS had brought her along for reasons that were yet to become apparent.

The landing would have been smoother if the Master hadn’t tried to assist and Gene and Sexby (the Doctor had learnt their names when they had been arguing about who had the better weapon) hadn’t tried to peer over the Doctor’s shoulders, whilst threatening to hit each other, thus putting him off.  In the end Phyllis, who up to this point had been reassuring Sam by telling him she was sure he’d have a lovely time when he got there, had told them that they’d both be sent to sit in opposite corners of the TARDIS if they didn’t stop arguing.

Once they were safely landed the Master flung open the TARDIS door and stepped outside.

“We’re here,” he called.

They all followed him out and looked up at a brightly coloured sign on the side of a large building: The Sweet Shop at the End of the Universe.

“Come on,” called the Master.  “Everyone gets to fill up a basket,” he said as he handed them out.  “And you can eat what you like as you go round.”  He demonstrated by putting several packets of jelly babies into his basket and shoving a handful into his mouth.  He then added a dozen tubes of Smarties and several packets of Magic Stars, whilst eating practically a box of Maltesers.

Meanwhile, Gene Hunt had discovered some very large Curly Wurlies which he put in his basket, together with sufficient liquorice allsorts to construct an army of Bertie Bassets.   He was pleasantly surprised to find tubes of fruit pastilles where they were all red and black pastilles (no boring green or yellow ones).

Sexby was filling his basket with a variety of chocolate bars.  He selected a couple of Milky Bars which he pretended to shoot the Master with.  The Master pulled a face, so Sexby picked up a chocolate flake and winked at the Master, who tried to ignore him, but he still squirmed slightly as he walked away. 

Sam selected a few different packets of sweets, but whilst the others were rapidly filling their baskets his remained more than half empty. 

The Master looked disdainful.  “Well, if you don’t want to fill your basket, I can always put some of my sweets in there.”

“Leave him alone,” Gene rushed to Sam’s defence.  “Look, here are some dolly mixtures, they’d be ideal for your girly tastes.”

Sam picked up a box of peppermint creams.  “My mum used to like these,” he said.  A tear ran down his cheek.

“For goodness sake, can’t you even go to a sweet shop without coming over all Dorothy?”  Gene sighed.

At that moment there was a loud crash.  Sexby had turned round suddenly and the end of his sword had knocked over a column of boxes containing chocolate teddy bears.  A couple of boxes had burst open, so Sexby now had Mummy Bear  and Baby Bear in his hair and Daddy Bear was nestling somewhere entirely different.  The others went over to help tidy up and whilst Sam and Gene added a number of boxes to their baskets, the Master ate all the escapees.

Phyllis came over to tell them it was time to leave.  Her basket was almost filled with a giant box of Milk Tray, on top of which was a large box of fudge for Annie, which said “thank you for looking after the station”.  They walked back to the TARDIS, carrying their chocolate and sweets, whilst the Master ate a foot long Mars bar.

They were preparing for the return journey when the Master suddenly said, “I think I’m going to be ...”

Phyllis found the mop and bucket and a clean t-shirt for the Master, glared at the others and proceeded to sort him out.

As they departed the TARDIS Gene said, “That was fun.  I noticed there was a brewery next to the sweet shop.  Any chance we could go there on our next trip?”

 

For the account of the first time the Master met Sexby, see “Chocolate”