Who's A Pretty Boy Then?

[smallhobbit]

Fandom: Life on Mars
Title: Who's A Pretty Boy Then?
Rating: Green cortina
Word count: 2,000
Notes: Written for ficathon 2012 on lifein1973 Written for nepthys_uk I hope very much that you like it
Prompt: Someone in drag, “Well, that was unexpected!”, a minor character of the author’s choice
Thank you to my beta jinxed100



“You can all stop looking at me, I’m not doing it,” Sam Tyler practically shouted.  He stormed off to the canteen. 

Once there, Gwen smiled at him as she gave him a cup of tea and a generous helping of sponge pudding and custard.  He smiled back, remembering one of the dinner ladies from when he was at school.

“Are the bigger boys making fun of you Sammy?  You come and stand by me.  Don’t let them see they’ve upset you.”

He took the bowl and cup and sat down at one of the tables.  Looking up he saw the bigger boys heading his way.

“Look, Tyler,” Gene said.  “One of us is gonna have to get dressed up as a prozzie if we’re gonna flush that bastard out.  It can’t be Ray; this bloke may not be very choosy, but even he’s not gonna be that desperate.”

“Guv, that’s not fair,” Ray was affronted.

“And there’s no way Chris could do it.  He has enough problem chatting up the birds, without pretending to be a bird chatting up a punter.”

Even Chris nodded at this.

“I can’t do it, ‘cos I’m in charge.  Which just leaves you.”

Sam remained silent.

“Right, we’ll leave you to think about it.  Come on you two, there’s work to be done.”

Sam watched as they walked to the canteen door.  Gene said something and the other two kept going, whilst he turned round and came back.

“I know it’s not ideal,” Gene continued as he sat down again.  “But you yourself said that Cartwright shouldn’t go by herself and he’ll never be drawn if she’s got a fella with her.”

“I know that,” Sam answered, “but I’d imagined that we could get someone like Phyllis to join her.”

“Yeah, but we need him alive if we want to question him and he might not make it if Phyllis gets her hands on him.”

“Oy, Guv, I heard that!”  Sam didn’t need to turn round; he could feel the glare from the other side of the canteen.

“Right, well, it’s almost beer o’clock.  I shall go and see if they’ve managed to find anybody else who saw something, but it’s unlikely.  They’re all too scared to say anything.  And I’ll leave you to finish your tea, although it looks like it’s gone cold.”

Gene strode off and Sam stared at his cold tea.

Gwen called out “Do you want me to top that up for you love?”

“Come on Sammy.  Eat your parsnips up.  You’ll never know whether or not you like them if you don’t even try them.”

“Thanks, Gwen, but it’s okay.  I need to catch the Guv before he leaves.  Tell him I’ll have a go at it.”

#####

The next question was what he was going to wear.  It wasn’t as if Sam could go into a shop and try anything on.  Annie was going clothes shopping with a couple of the WPCs and didn’t want to explain to them why she was also choosing outfits that were too big for her.  Gene declared that he’d done enough sitting outside women’s changing rooms to last a life time when he was married; although he did give Sam a pair of very pretty stockings, which everyone pretended not to notice.

Chris was ruled out for the same reason as before; he hadn’t even been able to buy a dress for his sister’s baby daughter without blushing furiously.  Which left Ray. 

This was why Sam was once more in the canteen steadily working his way through what the tacked up menu called “Toad in the Hole”; the toad looking as if it had been run over.

“How did you rip the sleeve of your jumper, Sammy?  Here, borrow this one from lost property while I mend it for you.”

Chris came bounding into the canteen.  “They’re back, Boss.  You must come and see what they’ve got you.”

Sam put down his knife and fork, glad to have an excuse to leave the soggy batter on his plate.

Once back in CID he was confronted with a blouse and skirt that could only have been created in the 1970s.  Ray had taken Vince and Geoff along for moral support.  He gathered that the trio had explained that they were looking for a surprise present for Ray’s girlfriend, who was about so big (Geoff demonstrated the sizing).  Vince explained that they had gone for the loudest outfit available so that whoever looked would concentrate on the clothes and be less aware that the wearer wasn’t quite what she should be.  Sam had to admit that they had succeeded admirably at their task.

There was a general clamour for Sam to try his new clothes on immediately, but Gene emerged from his office and ordered everyone back to work, declaring that they had enough distractions with one plonk in the office, without having two. 

Then he leaned close to Sam and murmured, “Besides which I should be the first one to check out that things fit correctly.”

#####

The big day came.  Gene had approved Sam’s outfit with the words “you look totally shagable in that” and had then, once Sam had carefully removed the outfit, as neither of them wanted to explain to Ray why it had been ripped, had demonstrated his approval.  Phyllis had obtained a wig that was close enough to Sam’s hair colour to pass muster; no-one had dared ask her where it had come from.  There were even shoes in Sam’s size; they had come with the instruction that they had to be back for next week as they were needed for the panto rehearsals.

Sam had stood in the middle of CID whilst his colleagues had made various lewd suggestions and he had felt relatively confident about the whole scheme.

Then Gene dropped his bombshell.  “It’s all very well you strutting your stuff in the office, where everyone knows what you’re doing.  We need to be sure that you’re sufficiently convincing to the general public.”

“It’ll be dark.  I’ll be with Annie and she’ll do the talking.”

“I know that.  I just want to be sure that at a first glance you look like a tart.  If you do no-one round there will give you a second look.”

“So what do you suggest?”

“The canteen.”

“No way!  No, Gene, that is asking too much.”

“If the punters in there are taken in for thirty seconds then we know it will work.  If not then it’s too much of a risk.  And it’s not just you who could find yourself in serious trouble, Cartwright won’t be safe either.”

“Why don’t you just shoot me now, it would be less painful.”

“That’s my boy.”

Sam entered the canteen and the noise level instantly dropped.  Not wishing to look at any of his colleagues he glanced across at the serving area to see Gwen staring at him. 

Sam Tyler, what do you think you’re doing?  You can go straight to see the headmaster.  This sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Then he heard a number of wolf whistles and some cheering.  And the distinctive tones of Litton saying “Well, that was unexpected!”  He declined various offers to join people for dinner, including the obligatory “how do you fancy sharing my jam roly poly?” and departed rapidly to divest himself of his costume.  He wasn’t often happy at the lack of technology available in the 1970s, but on this occasion was extremely grateful that there was no-one able to take photographs on their phone.

Five minutes later he returned, wearing his usual clothes.  Gwen smiled at him and gave him extra chips with his fish and he went to join Gene and the others.

“You looked brilliant, Boss,” Chris enthused.

“Yeah, you very nearly pushed Mandy off the top of the ‘plonk you’d most like to find in the stationery cupboard’ charts,” Ray added.

Gene just nodded.  “You’ve convinced me; it’ll work.”

#####

So that evening Annie and Samantha began a slow walk down the road that their quarry was known to favour.  They reached a lamppost, where Annie stopped.

Sam spoke quietly to her.  “I’m just going to walk to the end of the block, which should give enough time to flush him out.  Everyone’s watching you, so don’t be afraid.  As soon as anything happens we’ll all come running.”

Annie glanced downwards.  “In those heels?”

Sam chuckled briefly.  “I’ll manage.”

Sam walked slowly down the street, trying to allow time for the man to make his move.  He reached the side road and was about to turn and walk back when he felt a hand round his throat.  He started to struggle but the knife blade against his chest caused him to stop moving.

“That’s better,” a man’s voice said.  “Don’t want you to get blood on your pretty dress.  Let’s take it off before the cut gets too deep.”

Sam struggled to stay calm.  He had seen what had happened to the women who had been knifed; he did not like the idea of what would be done to him when his attacker realised how he had been tricked.

Then there was a rush of arms and the man was lying on the ground, groaning that his nose was broken.  Sam sank back against the nearest fence and listened as Gene roared “No-one gets to take that dress off but me!”

This was followed by the pounding of feet, heralding the arrival of Ray and Chris.  Gene pulled the man up and pushed him towards them, growling “Take him away before he discovers what I really think of him.”

Annie went over to Sam and put her hand on his chest.  “Sam, you’re bleeding.”

“Let me see,” Gene practically pushed Annie out of the way.  “It’s not too bad, but we do need to get you to the hospital; you’ll probably need a couple of stitches.”

He felt in his pocket and took out the Cortina keys, giving them to Annie.  “Cartwright, you drive.  I’ll sit in the back with Sam.”

Annie stared at Gene, “Are you sure, Guv?”

“Unless you can’t drive in those shoes I suggest you do as you are told.  Since I have no wish for my DI to walk into Casualty wearing a skirt he is going to have to get changed.  And since the less movement he makes the less he will bleed over my upholstery he is going to need help in getting changed.  So I get him changed and you drive, okay?”

#####

The following day Gene came into the canteen. 

“Can you do me a favour?” he asked Gwen, adding hastily “It’s not for me, it’s for Tyler.”

“Okay.  What is it?”

“He’ll be up for some coffee in about ten minutes.  When he comes can you keep him here?  He’s absolutely washed out and I’m gonna take him home, but I’ve got something else to get finished before I can do so.”

Gwen nodded.  When Sam came in she apologised because they’d been having trouble with the urn that morning; but it wouldn’t be long before the water boiled.  He’d tried to say he’d come back, but she’d implied it might have been her fault and if people knew she’d get into trouble; so he’d accepted her offer of a Garibaldi biscuit and had sat down to wait.

Thinking that she’d delayed long enough Gwen went to make the coffee, pausing to have a quick chat with her friend about her son’s upcoming wedding.  By the time she brought over the mug of coffee she found Sam with his head resting on his arms on the table.

Don’t worry Sammy, your Auntie Heather’s coming to pick you up and take you home. 

A few minutes later Gene returned.  He came over and put his arm around Sam.  “Come on, sleeping beauty.  I told you there was no point in coming to work today, but would you listen?  No.  Let’s get you home now, ‘cos you’re cluttering up Gwen’s tidy canteen.”

Gene winked at Gwen and helped Sam to stumble out of the canteen and back home.