smallhobbit | Thoughts of a Foolish Woman

Spoilers for the whole of The Devil's Whore.
Angelica and Elizabeth spend a sunny afternoon in conversation

“I was a fool,” Angelica and her friend Elizabeth Lillburne were enjoying the late spring sunshine, watching Elizabeth’s son playing in the grass whilst Angelica’s baby daughter slept on her lap.

“When?” Elizabeth could see Angelica was lost in her thoughts.

“For so much of my life I was an idiot – following wherever my heart led.”

“You’re too hard on yourself. I’ve always admired you for your courage.”

“You’re the one who was brave – getting on with your life despite John being so often in prison. To think that when I married Harry I thought I was the luckiest girl alive. What a fool I was.”

Elizabeth looked with sympathy at Angelica. Both widows, Elizabeth had only ever loved one man and whilst at times she had wished things could be different she had never regretted her life.

She spoke to reassure the younger woman, “You did what was expected of you. Everyone approved and you would have been in no position to refuse. And you were better off than many – whatever his faults Harry did love you and loved you till his death. Besides which, if you hadn’t married Harry Fanshawe we would never have met.”

Angelica allowed herself a small smile as she recalled their first meeting. At the time she could not have imagined that the wife of John Lillburne, come to plead with her to petition the king on his behalf, would in the future become her closest friend.

“Aye. I knew no better then. But since ..”

“Anyone would have been proud to marry Colonel Thomas Rainsborough”

“Yes, he was wonderful – and we had plans. He was so sure of the way forward, so convinced of the Leveller way of life. But Edward loved me even then –why did I not see?”

Elizabeth laughed, “Who attracted all the attention – Thomas Rainsborough or Edward Sexby? Who only had to speak and men would follow?” (She mentally added, ‘And who presented Oliver with the greater threat’.) “And who sought you out and showed you a wonderful future?”

Elizabeth refrained from pointing out that Angelica would never have considered Sexby her equal. No-one could have foreseen how quickly Angelica Rainsborough would be a widow once again.

“But Christian was a mistake from the beginning.”

“You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. “

“I should never have met him. Edward had given me back my life and given me his name. I should have stayed with him.”

“You had already decided to join the commune – that was why you married Edward, so you could be accepted as a respectable woman. And Edward had gone to Ireland.”

“But if I hadn’t insisted on following my heart I could have spared Edward so much.”

Angelica’s anguish had caused the baby to wake and she too started to cry. Elizabeth took her goddaughter and rocked her gently to soothe her.

“Angelica Sexby, if you hadn’t followed your heart this little one would never have been born. If you hadn’t followed your heart I would never have had a chance to say a proper farewell to my John. When Edward Sexby fell in love with you on the day you married Harry Fanshawe he fell in love with someone who was always going to follow their heart wherever it led them.”

“But why did I believe Christian’s lies? I let him turn my head, when I should have been strong. I should have known that there was something strange about his willingness to leave the commune and come to London with me. I was flattered and failed to see the danger.”

“Why should you have expected him to be in Joliffe’s pay? You were never deceitful and you didn’t think that anyone else would be.”

By now Angelica had calmed down. She took the baby back and smiled fondly at her little daughter. “And I regret that Edward never got to see his child.”

“All the more reason to bring her up in the knowledge of who her father was. You may have followed your heart, but so did he. Why else would he have waited for you all those years? What took him into exile; what led to his death? He too gave himself heart and soul to a cause and to you. Bring her up with the confidence to follow her heart and she will be a credit to both her parents. But for now it is nearly evening and the air grows damp, we need to go home before she catches a chill.”