smallhobbit | Chocolate (a Doctor Who/The Devil's Whore crossover)

Title: Chocolate
Fandom: Doctor Who/The Devil's Whore
Rating: PG -16 (sexy themes)
Word count: 930
Notes: With thanks to my beta

jinxed100 who is at least in part responsible for this fic
Summary: The Master meets Edward Sexby, but things do not go entirely as planned

The Master huffed. Typical. He had taken the first opportunity when the Doctor was pre-occupied to make a run for it. And then the TARDIS had unceremoniously dumped him with nothing more than a mini freezer (battery powered) and a box of chocolate flakes. No doubt she was on her way back to retrieve her rightful owner, so if he was going to make good his escape he needed to make a move.

He appeared to be back on earth and from the sound of gunfire in the distance not a very peaceful time either. That should give him opportunities for the future, but in the meantime he had to find somewhere safe to observe the action and decide what his next move should be. At that moment he heard a footstep and looked up to see a man about his own height pointing a pistol at his head.

“A spy,” growled the man. “Tell me your name and for whom you are working!”

“My name is Harold Saxon.” The Master felt it was safe to use this particular name, since he had worked out he was somewhere in the middle of seventeenth century England, where no-one would yet have come across him. “I am not a spy; I have come to trade. Let me show you my goods.” He made to open the mini freezer.

“Do not move,” the soldier, a certain Edward Sexby, ordered. “How do I know you do not have any weapons concealed within your strange apparel?”

‘Chance would be a fine thing,’ thought the Master moodily. He stood up and held his arms wide. It looked like today’s excitement was being groped by one of Cromwell’s soldiers.

“Remove your clothing,” Sexby waved his pistol. The Master thought of arguing, but the sound of the pistol being cocked discouraged him. He took off his boots, jeans and hoodie and stood in only a t-shirt and boxer shorts looking at Sexby, who was grinning at him. Was it that obvious that the thought of being frisked had half aroused him?

“Now you may show me what goods you have to offer.” Sexby was clearly enjoying himself far too much. The Master comforted himself with planning suitable retribution once he had gained the upper hand.

The Master opened the mini freezer and hoped that it contained something more exciting than a packet of fish fingers. Looking inside he found a large tub of chocolate ice cream. He took it out and removed the lid from the tub. “You eat this – it’s really good.”

“How can I be sure it does not contain any poison?” Sexby looked extremely doubtful.

“I’ll eat some first.”

“Wait.” Sexby took a dagger from his belt and stuck it in the ice cream. He then grabbed the back of the Master’s neck and holding the tip to his mouth said “Try it!”

The Master grimaced but did what he was told. Sexby then pulled the Master’s t-shirt off and smeared ice cream all over his chest. He stood back to see what would happen.

As the ice cream melted and began to run down his chest and into his boxers the Master started to wish that for once the Doctor would hurry up and find him. Then he had a brainwave. “In my country the custom is for another to lick this ‘ice cream’ off the body. If I may ...”

He went to take Sexby’s dagger so he could demonstrate, but Sexby was too quick for him. In an instant he had forced the Master to lie flat on his back on the ground and was using his dagger to apply the ice cream liberally to him. Then he started to lick the ice cream off. The Master had thought to use this moment to overpower his opponent, but the combination of cold ice cream and warm tongue was so pleasant that he relaxed instead.

Sexby had started to lick the ice cream off one of the Master’s nipples when he spotted the box of chocolate flakes. He reached out and flicked the lid up with his fingers, slid them into the box and caught hold of one of the flakes. He held it in front of the Master’s face.

“And how is this to be used?” he asked.

The Master swallowed and then licked his lips. “We eat that too.”

Sexby appeared to consider this. “I do not trust you enough that I should have time to eat this whilst only having one hand to hold you. Therefore I shall have to balance this – what name do you give it?”

“It’s a flake,” the Master was feeling slightly concerned.

“This flake somewhere whilst I can continue to hold you with both my hands.” With that he deftly turned the Master over, pulled his boxers off and inserted one end of the flake into the available orifice. The Master squirmed, but Sexby held him firmly.

When he had eaten as much of the flake as he wanted, Sexby let the Master sit up. At that moment there was a strange noise and the TARDIS rematerialised. The Doctor stepped out to see the Master sitting totally naked beside a soldier from the English Civil War, who appeared to have chocolate ice cream and flake crumbs in his beard.

The Doctor opened his mouth, but before he could say anything Sexby picked up the ice cream and the box of flakes and set off towards the sounds of battle, with a grin on his face. The Master crawled back into the TARDIS, muttering “Just don’t say anything.”